CELTIC’S domestic domination is so unprecedented and relentless it may have left our Glasgow rivals without hope. But fear not, we know it has been on your mind and we’re going to give you a step by step guide to dropping your old habits and becoming much happier as a Celtic fan.
No longer will you be at the mercy of the banter gods as your team fails to deliver after shouting their mouths off for an entire month. You will be able to look your children in the eye again and perhaps even satisfy your wife.
However, this just can’t happen overnight or everyone will get wise to you. Make the gradual change from the dark side to the light in time for the Scottish Cup Final with our handy guide.
Step one could be to slowly reduce the amount of red, white and blue you wear, oh and the orange has to go. Perhaps taking one or two union jacks off your twitter handle (not all of them) just some. Don’t make it obvious to the people who want to ridicule you for your former life choices.
Now that you’ve sorted your style and you’re wearing more neutral colours, don’t talk about your team as much. When someone brings the disappointing result in the pub, quickly change the subject to Ant and Dec’s demise, who won dancing on ice in 2012 etc. This will give off the impression you are too worldly to bother with trials and tribulations of a failing football team.
Once your friends get the picture that football just isn’t your thing anymore, they will slowly forget that you once said Kris Boyd was better than Henrik Larsson, they will forget you were once lifted from the Hampden turf after Hibs fans whacked you over the nut and they will forget that you camped out at the hospital when Kate Middleton’s first child was born.
Start becoming more cultured – canvas your friends about how flag burning is bad for the environment. Start using words such as beautiful and character, work them into as many sentences as you can. Buy all Rod Stewarts album and listen to them on the go.
Quietly go to Wikipedia and learn all the names of the Lisbon Lions off by heart, even start using their names as rhyming slang, when it’s 0 degrees out you could be ‘Bertie Auld’.
Purchase a Celtic shirt, but don’t wear it yet! Leave this lying about the house subtly as friends and family come to visit, but don’t mention it – let it permeate in their subconscious.
Ok, next time your old side loses, start slagging them off once or twice a week. ‘Halliday is a bawbag’ and ‘Morelos £12million, aye’ will suffice.
All you have to do now is rock up at the end of this season for the Scottish Cup final wearing the Celtic shirt you quietly bought before and declare Tom Rogic is here for ten in a row.
By now, your friends will forget all about the fact you were draped in a union jack sobbing uncontrollably at the semi-final result, if they suspect, quickly rhyme of the Lisbon lion team and they will be in no doubt, this guy is the real deal!
Of course, ideally, we would say make the transition over generations, slowly introducing your children to Celtic and let them run with the ball because it was too late for you, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
If you have followed all our steps, you are now healthier, happier and have a Scott Brown poster in your bedroom.
Well done, sit back, relax and enjoy ten in a row!